Recently four United States soldiers were killed in Niger. President Trump made a big deal out of saying he personally calls family members of those killed in action. Okay, that is probably a good thing to do. Difficult, to be sure, but an empathetic effort by our current President. The call to one family went awry somehow. The widow of the fallen soldier was offended by what the President said and how he expressed his sorrow at her husband's untimely passing. I listened to the President's Chief of Staff, John Kelly explain what the President was trying to say. I think the way it was stated by Mr. Kelly most likely would have been acceptable to this soldier's widow. Is that how it was communicated by the President? I am skeptical. He is not known for being empathetic and in my opinion has trouble communicating emotional messages in an acceptable manner. I have never had to do what the President did. I have not had to talk to a grieving pregnant widow about the ultimate sacrifice made by her husband. My experience I think is similar enough to allow some criticism of what the President did. Part of my job working in a prison was to verify the death of someone in an inmate's immediate family. Once that verification had been accomplished it was my responsibility to notify the inmate. I was going out to the housing unit and calling a man down to the office to tell him that his son, mother, father, daughter, or wife had died. No matter how bad my day had been I was acutely aware that his was going to be worse. He often was locked up hundreds of miles away from someone close to him. Someone he thought would be there when he was released. Someone he may have been depending on to help him transition from prison to the free world. Now, that support is gone. How do you tell someone that the woman who raised them was dead? Or their child had perished. I always tried to be brief. "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your mother passed away earlier today." It isn't just the words. It is the tone of voice. The sincerity of the delivery. Many times it was an inmate I did not know. I had almost no background information that would clue me as to how he might react. It was like putting on a blindfold and running into a mine field. You hoped that nothing went horribly wrong. Sometimes, even with your best effort, the result was not what you had hoped. Something in the way it was said or in what they heard didn't sit well. What do you do?
Apologize. It is what the President should have done. Don't try to claim you were right. Don't say the person on the other side is attacking you and trying to make you look bad. The only thing the President should have said was something along these lines. "I called the widow of .... to express my personal sorrow at the loss of her husband in combat and express the gratitude of the nation at the sacrifice her family has made for our safety and freedom. It was not my intent to in any way add to her pain in this time of loss. I was clearly unable to express my sorrow in an appropriate manner and for that I am truly sorry." In cases like this one it doesn't matter what you said or how you said it in your mind. What matters is how the widow heard it. How it made her feel. Attempting to defend what happened only increases her pain and makes you sound like an inconsiderate asshole. Some arguments you can win. Arguments with widows of fallen soldiers is not a winnable argument. Best just to sincerely apologize and perhaps vow to do better the next time.
