New Year's Resolutions

Every year we try to do it. You know, make those resolutions to do something different. Something better. Be a better person, a better husband or wife, a kinder human. THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT! Once again the new year has rolled around and we are older, fatter and in worse shape than we were a year ago. A year that started out with so much promise. You know, that resolution to walk more, attend Weight Watchers, in general get healthier. Save some money up and be more disciplined with your money. The reality of this new year? Those pants must have shrunk from being washed too often in hot water. We have all heard about the increased carbon footprint of humanity. The every growing amount of carbon dioxide in the air is causing our shortness of breath. So the failure to keep any of those past resolutions is not my fault. The stark reality is that 45% of Americans make New Year's resolutions and 8% actually achieve their goals. A full 24% of people make resolutions every year yet continue to fail at them. These are the optimists. Please feel free to mock them. It would seem the more successful trend would be to join the 38% of Americans who make no resolutions and are 100% successful in achieving the goals the fail to set.

My advice: "Spare yourself the indignity of setting unrealistic goals that you lack the discipline and talent to achieve and instead resolve to eat more, move less, and expect the worst in all people and circumstances. You won't be disappointed."

The enemy of optimism is reality. Hold on to that dream that our government will pass a new law or create a new social program that will make it all better. They have such an excellent track record. It is said that god must love poor stupid people because he made so many of them. They will always be with us. When you think the world is getting better and there is hope I invite you to visit a little place I call WalMart. Please don't buy anything there, that is a trap. They lure you with allegedly lower prices then screw you when they run all the viable competition out of town. Just go a wander around. Check out the other folks who frequent there with the carts full of goods. Then come back and tell me about hope and resolutions. How things are going to get better. Please, before you go, give all your guns to a trusted friend. You may want to stick one in your mouth and pull the trigger.

So dear reader with that I say: "Happy FUCKING new year!!!!!"