Farting is the Answer

A reasonable person might wonder if farting is the answer what is the question. How do we fix Congress? It isn't by us common folks farting it is by our elected representatives being willing to let it rip.

Think about it. Our elected representatives spend their lives surrounded by others. The general public, staffers, big money donors, lobbyists, in the Senate 99 of their friends and in the House with 434 of their buddies. They walk around all day with the ass cheeks clinched and the buttholes so tight they could crack a walnut. No real opportunity to let one rip. They would be worried the noise would be picked up on a microphone or recorded in video and they would be the subject of ridicule. Suppose they could sneak out one of those silent ones. Then they would have to be concerned with the stench. Seeing as, at least in my opinion, folks in elected office are generally full of shit. It would logically follow that their farts must smell bad. Not just normal bad. The bad that might cause the wallpaper to come loose from the wall. The bad that makes your eyes water. None of them is smart enough to do what Rodney Dangerfield did. He was in a Las Vegas elevator with a group when a woman got on. After the doors closed Rodney let one rip. It was one of those killers that burns the inside of your nose. When they got to their floor as Rodney got off and others got on he said: "It's okay lady, you can tell them I did it."

I don't think this is a fool proof theory. There are at least two apparent flaws in my Congressional farting plan. First, it assumes that our elected officials have spines and brains. Given what we have seen from the Congress in recent years I have serious doubts that most of our elected representatives possess either. The second problem relates to an issue addressed earlier. Since our Congressional representatives are full of shit and older they must rely on an lesson taught by old age. That lesson- NEVER TRUST A FART. You are out in public, say at Home Depot and you suddenly notice an extreme rise in pressure at the "back door" of your anatomy. You clinch. You pace, You squirm. You hope to all that is holy that it is gas. Please be vapor. You recently ate Chinese food or Mexican food or Thai food. Maybe it isn't gas. Since our representative are clearly and undeniably full of shit it is a question they must always ask themselves. Maybe they could explain a loud or smelly fart to their folks back home but shitting yourself. No the voters wouldn't tolerate that stain on your record.

So the next time you go to Washington D.C. stop by and visit the Capitol Dome. If you go inside and it doesn't smell like farts then understand they are busy creating shitty ideas that will become law of the land.