Proust Question 5

What is your most marked characteristic?

I think other people may have a different opinion but to me it is humor. I find all too often it can be a two edged sword. You think something is funny and when you say it there is an audible gasp from those who are listening. I'll give you an example. A few nights ago we went to a local restaurant with a group of friends. There was a gentleman playing a guitar and singing. He was very good even to the point of mimicking the voices of the original singers of the songs he was performing. He was wearing an occluder over one eye which apparently had been lost to accident or illness. Someone in the group commented that he looked like a pirate. I had been uncharacteristically quiet and one of our group asked what I was thinking. What I should have said was something along the lines of how wonderful the evening was with such nice weather, good friends and great food. That really life doesn't get any better than that evening had been. I didn't go there. I went this way. I said I would like to see the guy performing on Wheel of Fortune to listen for him to say he would like to buy an "i". It was one of those moments when the entire group looks at you with the same look on their face. You know the look. It's the one that says: "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I gave them a moment to recover and then said: "You asked. Bet now you wish you hadn't. I have stuff like that going on in my head all the time. I just don't usually let it out."

Even Carol at times suffers from my attempts at humor. One night we were watching the local news and there was a report about a man killing his wife and then killing himself. It led to the following exchange.
Jeff: "I would never do that."
Carol: "Really?"
Jeff: "Yea, I would never kill myself."
She did not find the exchange at all humorous.

So, if I had any advice to offer it would be this. If you are going to attempt to be funny take a moment or two to consider the audience who will be receiving your words. Sometimes they just aren't ready for the tale you are going to share. It is good to learn when to shut your mouth. I'm a work in progress.

Proust Question 4

What is your greatest fear?

This is one of the tougher questions. It would be easy to be a smart ass or flippant about this question. You know something like clowns or midgets. I find both to be a bit disturbing but they don't rise to the level of my greatest fear. It would also be easy to choose death as the answer. I think deep down we all share a concern about our ultimate demise. How will it happen? Will it be painful? Will I be alone? Will anyone care? Death is not my greatest fear. I don't go out and do things deliberately that might kill me. At the same time I don't refuse to do things because they might result in my death. I drive a car and ride a motorcycle. I understand that either one of those activities could result in my death. While I can control how I drive or ride I cannot control the actions of those who share the road with me. Some of them are, in my opinion and experience, stupid, inattentive and careless. Knowing this I still choose to drive and ride in a car and on a motorcycle. I do my best to drive defensively and follow traffic laws in an attempt to reduce my risk. Well, what is my greatest fear if it is not those things?

Dependence. I don't want to be physically or mentally incapacitated. I don't want to have to depend on others for my physical care or for someone to have to handle my business affairs. My father in law Larry had a heart attack and was in a nursing home brain dead for more years than I can recall. It was well over a decade. I can imagine no worse fate in life than what his physical body had to endure. If he had a choice I'm sure he would have wanted almost anything else to happen. To lay in a bed unable to control your bodily functions. To have to see your family come to visit and be unable to communicate with them. To be completely dependent on others for everything in your life strikes fear in my heart. There is no way to know what he thought or felt. What he could see or know. If I had to be in that place I would prefer that I had died instead. So when I look at the world and consider bravery I often think of Stephen Hawking. He was stronger and braver than I could ever be. I would have given up and died many years ago had I been in his condition. So take a little time today and consider what really scares the hell out of you. I hope in my heart you never have to face whatever it might be.