Proust Question 4

What is your greatest fear?

This is one of the tougher questions. It would be easy to be a smart ass or flippant about this question. You know something like clowns or midgets. I find both to be a bit disturbing but they don't rise to the level of my greatest fear. It would also be easy to choose death as the answer. I think deep down we all share a concern about our ultimate demise. How will it happen? Will it be painful? Will I be alone? Will anyone care? Death is not my greatest fear. I don't go out and do things deliberately that might kill me. At the same time I don't refuse to do things because they might result in my death. I drive a car and ride a motorcycle. I understand that either one of those activities could result in my death. While I can control how I drive or ride I cannot control the actions of those who share the road with me. Some of them are, in my opinion and experience, stupid, inattentive and careless. Knowing this I still choose to drive and ride in a car and on a motorcycle. I do my best to drive defensively and follow traffic laws in an attempt to reduce my risk. Well, what is my greatest fear if it is not those things?

Dependence. I don't want to be physically or mentally incapacitated. I don't want to have to depend on others for my physical care or for someone to have to handle my business affairs. My father in law Larry had a heart attack and was in a nursing home brain dead for more years than I can recall. It was well over a decade. I can imagine no worse fate in life than what his physical body had to endure. If he had a choice I'm sure he would have wanted almost anything else to happen. To lay in a bed unable to control your bodily functions. To have to see your family come to visit and be unable to communicate with them. To be completely dependent on others for everything in your life strikes fear in my heart. There is no way to know what he thought or felt. What he could see or know. If I had to be in that place I would prefer that I had died instead. So when I look at the world and consider bravery I often think of Stephen Hawking. He was stronger and braver than I could ever be. I would have given up and died many years ago had I been in his condition. So take a little time today and consider what really scares the hell out of you. I hope in my heart you never have to face whatever it might be.