Random thoughts

Today will just be about things that have caused me to pause and think.

Declawing. It happens to cats all the time. We have a cat. Her name is Snickers and she claws the woodwork and Lily every chance she gets. She lives in the basement now because Lily owns the upstairs. Why aren't dogs declawed? I am redoing the upstairs woodwork and Lily is stretching the doors up trying to figure out how they open. Declawing would stop that. I don't want to do that to her and have never heard of anyone doing that to a dog.

News and famous people. Why is anything Brittany Spears does news? She is considering doing a Las Vegas show. Who gives a shit? Prince Harry says or does something stupid. Who cares. I don't live in Great Britain. If he woke up tomorrow and was literally covered in hair that would be news. Hairy Prince Harry?

Boy Scouts considering allowing gay scouts. Will there be new merit badges? Interior decorating? Fashion design? Again why does anyone care?

A second grader in Colorado was suspended for throwing an imaginary hand grenade during recess in an attempt to "rescue the world". Maybe the school should give him a pretend suspension. Isn't this the kind of bullshit you would expect from California. So kids, use your imagination but not in a way anyone real or imaginary could be harmed. Part of my youth was spent with cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers or playing army. No G.I. Joes for us. They marketed him as an action figure but we all knew he was a doll. If you played with G.I. Joe you couldn't be in the Boy Scouts.

No Saturday mail delivery. I'm good with that. I have converted more and more of my bills to email and do more online bill pay each year. If I have any regrets it is that I have letters my Grandmother wrote home to her parents when she was a student at Knox during the 1930's. We will not leave that written record for future generations. We read and discard our emails like useless electrons.

Monopoly, the one board game we all played in our childhood changed game pieces. They dumped the iron, apparently unneeded in our permanent press world. Replaced by a cat. What a pussy move that was. It must have been a coordinated effort by the Crazy Cat Lady Union of America.

Twitter launched a new video service called Vine. You can post videos that are up to six seconds long. Now, to be honest, I do not have a twitter account. I have never tweeted or twitted or  whatever the hell it is you do on Twitter. The news is that within hours of opening there were pornographic videos on Vine. First, why is that a surprise to  anyone? Second, who is sitting around going, "Wow, I've got six seconds to spare, think I will watch some porn."  Six seconds, women everywhere will be disappointed if that trend catches on. It will be, are you ready, oh baby, and was that good for you. Less time than it took to type that.

Hallucination

I have spent time the last few days putting Minwax Polycrylic on the walls in our house. The walls were stained before we moved in but I didn't have time to seal the walls. Since we live in a log home and all the interior and exterior walls are wood it seemed like it should be done. We have lived here eight years so it must be time. The good thing about Polycrylic is that it is water based and therefore not flammable. So good to use in the house when it is too cold to open the windows. The bad thing about Polycrylic is that it has really strong fumes  and the recommendation is to use it with adequate ventilation. The first two rooms I completed were the bathrooms. Not bad, small rooms, only took a couple of hours. Today I did one of the bedrooms. Took most of the day in a room with the door and windows closed. The fumes were a real headache. So this blog will be short. My advice, read the label. It says adequate ventilation for a reason. Right now everything I eat tastes like it was simmered in Polycrylic. I still have one wall to do in that room and two more bedrooms to coat. I will be back in there tomorrow with the door and windows closed. Why? Rules are made to be broken and I am a FUCKTARD!

BMI

It is just a fact of my life. I have always been fat, chubby. full figured, husky, extra large (not where you hope ladies) or in medical terms obese. Sure from time to time I lose weight and get smaller. The weight I lose always seems to find me again. Why doesn't money work that way? I have lost money in the past and it never seems to find its way back into my pockets. It would seem to me that would not be a difficult task. Don't extra large pants have extra large pockets. It would seem to me that if those fine folks at Levi put the same size pockets on 30 inch waist pants as they do on 42 inch waist pants the pockets would look a bit silly. Absent any scientific data or in store comparisons I declare this to be fact. Big pants have big pockets. I could therefore now be a Republican congressman or senator. They seem to get to make up their own facts. But I veer off course. Back to fat me, big pockets and lost money. Perhaps the money cannot get into my big pockets because my fatness has made the pockets too tight? Doesn't sound right. I can get my hand in my pocket and it is bigger than my money.You have to be able to get your hands in your pockets if you are a guy. How else are you going to scratch your balls in a crowded room? Society frowns on you sticking your hand down the front of your pants and having a good scratch fest. God forbid you are anywhere near a bush in a park. Likely to see a visit from the police if you scratch then. Damn, off the subject again. Back to the chart above.  First I am not much into charts because there are always multiple interpretations. I think for the chart above you are supposed to find your height and then your weight and it will tell you if you are underweight, normal, overweight or a fat bastard. I prefer an alternate reading. First find your weight. After all isn't that the thing you are worried about? Once you have found your weight look to see how tall you should be. I weigh just over 250 pounds. In order to be in the normal weight range I should be 7 feet tall. I am therefore not overweight, I am in fact short. It is now my goal to become taller. When I get to 7 feet my doctor and I will agree that my weight is normal. So if you are a few pounds over your ideal weight take some time to work on your height. This is today's public service announcement. I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Lily Lu

Lily has been attending dog obedience classes or as she refers to them owner training. She is teaching us how to walk with her, allow us to have her sit or lay down near us when she stops walking. She knows what wait and stay mean. So we are able to do both when she gives us those nonverbal signals.   We tried having her sleep in bed with us but I like things like covers on me and more than a six inch slice of the bed to lay on. Treats- well snausages just don't make the cut. She just smells them and walks off. If it comes from Milo's Kitchen she will do anything for a snack. Since I am being trained I have also learned that if there is no treat offered there are things she won't do. She sleeps in her kennel at night but if there is no treat to entice her into the kennel then she dives under the bed and hides. I know she understands how tough it is for a fat old man to get on the floor and that I don't fit under the bed. She moves just enough to stay frustratingly out of reach. While she barks! Sounds to me like she is saying: "Get off the floor and get me that Milo's treat you fat stupid bastard!" So, in compliance with my training I go to the kitchen and get a treat for her. She goes directly into the kennel, sits down and waits for her special delivery.

That is Lily Lu doing one of the things she does best. Sleeping on the couch dreaming about catching some critter in the yard. We have been considering getting her a doggy friend to play with to keep her active.

This is my worker buddy Nate. He and Lily Lu agree that Beggin Strips are an awesome snack. Nate likes dog treats but we do feed him people food for his lunch and snacks. He just sneaks a dog treat now and then. He does not agree with Lily Lu about about Milo's Kitchen chicken meatballs. Nate thought they were nasty and Lily Lu really didn't want to share.

In closing Lily Lu will never be able to completely train me. Carol doesn't mind if I pee in the yard but dropping a deuce out there would never be acceptable. Neither is a problem today. The current outdoor temperature is 6 degrees F with a wind chill of at least -20 degrees F. If my daddy parts shrank any more due to the cold they would be inside my body. It is tough to get one inch of dick outside of three inches of clothes. It is also embarrassing to stand out there with your zipper down fishing around in you drawers trying to find your junk. Not a problem for Mike in Florida where the weather is warm but the neighborhood is crowded. I would still find Mr. Happy more than a little shy under those circumstances.

January

Well another month is almost past and like years as they pass it is good to look back and see what happened. It would be good to be able to say it has been a month of tremendous accomplishments. It has not. But it really would have been nice to be able to state that honestly. I have spent some time scanning my Grandmother's journals from about 1920 to about 1935 . I seem to lack some motivation to continue at this point. Over the last weekend I decided to do some finish work in the master bathroom. I never claimed to be a carpenter. I have three nail guns and can make rough work that is at best average. I decided that I would save some money and do some finish work. After all we have only lived here eight years. How hard can it be to cut some quarter round pine and fit it up a wall and along a shelf. It is simple geometry. Two 45 degree angles meet to make a 90 degree corner. If one piece is coming along parallel to the floor and the other piece is perpendicular to the floor it is still two 45's make a 90. How hard could that be? Well, for Jeff, impossible. I stopped counting incorrect cuts at 10. There were several more attempts after that resulted in additional failures. How many ways are there to cut that that do not join together? I don't know! Several of the failures were a result of me attempting three dimensional thought in my head. When those thoughts were transferred to the wood in the real three dimensional world it resulted in some actual three dimensional scrap. Kindling for the fireplace. It is like those thoughts you have in your youth about a beautiful woman and what sex would be like before you have actually had any. You realize when sex actually happens that you had no idea what you were doing and your thoughts were not matched by reality. Gee, comparing finish carpentry to sex, didn't see this blog entry going there. Maybe I should have just saved some typing on my part and some reading on yours by saying, " I fucked up a lot of good wood." You can apply that to my youth if you wish. So maybe finish carpenters are like hookers. If you want your wood to be finished in a professional manner then hire a professional. As for me I think I will just do the best I can with the abilities I have. If you butt two pieces of wood together at a 90 degree angle you still get a square corner. It may not be the work of a master carpenter but it will have to do. It is like Dirty Harry said: "A man's got to know his limitations." It is January's lesson to me. That and what the fuck, it's done and it looks better than it did when I started. DILLIGAF!

New Year's Resolutions

Every year we try to do it. You know, make those resolutions to do something different. Something better. Be a better person, a better husband or wife, a kinder human. THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT! Once again the new year has rolled around and we are older, fatter and in worse shape than we were a year ago. A year that started out with so much promise. You know, that resolution to walk more, attend Weight Watchers, in general get healthier. Save some money up and be more disciplined with your money. The reality of this new year? Those pants must have shrunk from being washed too often in hot water. We have all heard about the increased carbon footprint of humanity. The every growing amount of carbon dioxide in the air is causing our shortness of breath. So the failure to keep any of those past resolutions is not my fault. The stark reality is that 45% of Americans make New Year's resolutions and 8% actually achieve their goals. A full 24% of people make resolutions every year yet continue to fail at them. These are the optimists. Please feel free to mock them. It would seem the more successful trend would be to join the 38% of Americans who make no resolutions and are 100% successful in achieving the goals the fail to set.

My advice: "Spare yourself the indignity of setting unrealistic goals that you lack the discipline and talent to achieve and instead resolve to eat more, move less, and expect the worst in all people and circumstances. You won't be disappointed."

The enemy of optimism is reality. Hold on to that dream that our government will pass a new law or create a new social program that will make it all better. They have such an excellent track record. It is said that god must love poor stupid people because he made so many of them. They will always be with us. When you think the world is getting better and there is hope I invite you to visit a little place I call WalMart. Please don't buy anything there, that is a trap. They lure you with allegedly lower prices then screw you when they run all the viable competition out of town. Just go a wander around. Check out the other folks who frequent there with the carts full of goods. Then come back and tell me about hope and resolutions. How things are going to get better. Please, before you go, give all your guns to a trusted friend. You may want to stick one in your mouth and pull the trigger.

So dear reader with that I say: "Happy FUCKING new year!!!!!"

Another year goes by

As the years pass by seemingly quicker and quicker I realize I have fewer of them left. One wonders with the limited time left what to do. How do you prioritize? Some many things to accomplish and so little time. I came across a quote recently that has stayed with me. Ben Franklin: "The best thing to give your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example... to all men, charity." I have stated in the past and continue to believe that the biggest loss in our society has been civility. We can disagree without being disagreeable. The fact that you and I can look at the same facts and come to different conclusions does not make me smart and you stupid. It doesn't even make me right and you wrong. Often, the things we think are facts, are in reality not facts at all. If they were then we would continue to know the earth is flat and at the very center of the universe. That the sun rotates around the earth. We gain knowledge and the "facts" we knew become ignorance we walk away from into a new reality. Now it appears that many believe if you say something loudly and frequently it suddenly becomes true. The solution to shootings at our schools is to introduce more guns to the equation. It sounds to me like the way to put out a gasoline fire is to add more gasoline. After all when all the gas is burned there will be no more fire. There is a solution to gun violence but that solution will not be reached by the various factions screaming at each other. When did civilized conversation and compromise become a sign of weakness? How did this part of our everyday lives become so impossible when we try to discuss public policy? Would we stay in a relationship, or even call it a relationship, if the other person always yelled, always wanted things their way, and never considered any alternative to their position?

So, to my enemies, I offer my forgiveness. It has no conditions or requirements. I forgive you fully and completely. I am sorry that things got to this point and I can and will do better by you. To those who disagree with me about anything and everything. I will listen with and open mind and heart. There is truth in your position as there is in mine. Together we can make progress and find solutions. To my friends, my ongoing commitment to be there in your time of need. The key in my mind to being a friend is to be the friend you would want to have. To my children and grandchildren I hope to be an example you can follow. Finally to all some measure of charity. Abraham Lincoln perhaps said it as well as any in his second inaugural address. "With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations."

Maybe I should have just gone with Rodney King who stated at the time of the L.A. riots: "Can't we all just get along?"