Humor- Maybe, Maybe Not

I start my mornings off reading Mike Blythe's blog Existing in BFE. He correctly stated that I usually don't offer much in the line of pictures. Today will be an exception. This is shit I find amusing. You may and you may not. You may be offended. It's okay, that is what humor should do.

I think I saw her at WalMart. She had 6 kids and a bad attitude.

 Lily didn't think much of Old Yeller either.

 I would mow the yard more often. Looks like it might be one of those things that solves two problems. My desire to ride the motorcycle and the need to mow the yard.

 Offensive, sure. Funny as hell? Yes to me.

 Yes I will make fun of the disabled. Why should they be exempt? If I don't then they could sue for discrimination. I would rather be sued for harassment.

 Come on guys this happens to women all the time. The pregnant belly rub. Hell I've been that big in the gut and they never rubbed my belly. I could be good fortune like Buddah. I'm sure if they did rub my belly I would say "Lower please".

I included this because Lily does this every day. 

This is Johnnie Lynn Sutor. She is John and Mandie's youngest. She is not being funny here I just wanted to draw your attention to her hat. I so want one of those. I would wear it all winter and if it wasn't too hot in the summer. 

This is Audrey Layne Sutor. She is John and Mandie's middle daughter. I am old now but I remember when snow made me this happy. I wish it did now. 

Johnnie again. I thought this picture showed how I usually feel about snow now. Oh hell, that is my usual confused look about everything.

Isn't context everything?

 I do wonder about things like that.

Oh those crazy Swiss. Good thing they are neutral.

Sometimes simple and clean is funny as well.

Men

Sometimes things happen that you should anticipate but somehow don't. They take you by surprise and then you think about things you hadn't considered before. The unanticipated event was the death of a friend's father. He was 83 so it shouldn't have been a big surprise. It was because he always seemed in good health and never looked his age.

The man who died was Frederick M. O'Connor. What I hadn't considered was of the group who were my closest friends growing up he was the last surviving father. In grade school, junior high and high school there was a group of us who played together and worked together and got in trouble together.

The first to pass was Floyd Nelson. He and his wife Martha played bridge with my parents almost every week when we were in grade school. They had four children, two boys and two girls. Albert was the oldest son and was a year older than my older brother Jay. Eric was the younger brother and is a year younger than me. We played baseball, football, tag, army and a hundred other games. Climbed in trees and barns. Walked the top of board fences. Eric and Albert were fearless tree climbers. You would start climbing and look up and there one of them was 70' in the top of a tree hanging onto twigs. I would be about 20' up hoping I wouldn't fall out and die. They moved away when we were in junior high. Floyd got a job in Quincy with the Social Security Administration. He's the one who inspired me to seek employment in public service. Life was about providing service and not about how much money you make.

Al Hungerford was next. Al and his wife Billie had three boys. Mike who is the same age as my older brother Jay, Chuck who is my age and Steve who is a year younger than my younger brother David. The Hungerford boys lived in a house along the Henderson-Wataga road where it crosses interstate 74. We spent a good deal of time on evenings and weekends giving the construction workers building the road things to repair or replace. Al was a chemist for Butler Manufacturing. He was a serious intellectual man. His lesson to me was that education and hard work on studies paid off.

My father died next. It is not possible to list all the things I learned from him. It is different growing up on a farm. First, your Dad is there ALL the time. He doesn't go off to that mysterious place called "work" to do that "job" . You worked with and for your Dad because things needed to be done and he needed the help. Allowance? Yes, he told us because we helped we were allowed too eat, have a warm place to sleep and clothes to wear. He taught me to speak my mind and Mom taught me to temper it with kindness.

Frederick O'Connor was the last to pass. He died on Thursday. He was the nicest man I ever knew. I never heard Freddie utter an unkind word about anyone. EVER! He always stopped to talk when he saw us out. Asked about our kids. Told us how his were doing. He and Joann had six. Tom is the oldest and my age. Marty is the same age as my brother David. Theresa, Angela, Brian and Michael are younger. I worked for Freddie from time to time baling hay. He was always good to work for and made a tough job seem easier. I participated in the cattle drive for several years. We drove cattle down the roads on foot from Fremont road to their home place near Wataga.. There are almost no fences along the fields now so that annual drive is a distant memory. Freddie taught me that life will throw you a problem from time to time but a pleasant attitude can make the situation more tolerable. Getting upset and throwing a fit doesn't solve anything.

So there are four men who contributed to my life. Men who I looked to as an example. Men I thought about when I had a decision to make. What would they have done? How would they handle this? Most important was, what would they think about what I was doing? They are all gone now taking their example and wisdom with them. They are all missed and the world is a better place because they passes through and lived a life that shows us what is good and right.

So, that was where Frederick O'Connor's death lead me. Thinking about how those four men shaped who I am today. My heartfelt thanks to each of them.

Civility

I have complained in prior posts about the lack of civility in our lives and especially our politics. I have also spent some effort extoling the virtues of our sixteenth President Mr. Lincoln. Since today is President's Day and we celebrate the lives and accomplishments of Mr. Lincoln and our first President Mr. Washington I felt it appropriate to look at some of what made George such a figure. When George was sixteen, an age when most of us fellas are trying to figure out how to get in the pretty girl's lacey panties, he was copying out by hand 110 Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation. Sorry to disappoint fellas but in my reading of the list it doesn't appear his aim was to get into Martha's knickers. It is not an 18th century guide to how to get laid. I will not lay out the entire list for you but do encourage you to take a few minutes to Google the list and read all 110 rules. His rules are in bold, my commentary is not.

1. Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present.
So George is off to a good start. Treat everyone with respect!

3. Show Nothing to your Friend that may affright him.
It is an admonition to be considerate of others and not embarrass them.

24. Do not laugh too loud or too much at any Public Spectacle.
Don't draw attention to yourself. Seems like that is our national plague at the time. Some want attention all the time and will do anything to anyone to get it. They violate rules 1, 3 and 24 all the time.

35. Let your discourse with Men of Business be Short and Comprehensive.
Be clear and concise when you speak. Again a problem in politics and life where we try to solve problems by talking them to death.

40. Strive not with your Superiors in argument, but always Submit your Judgment to others with Modesty.
Maybe a good translation would be to act with humility and not argue with your superiors.

44. When a man does all he can though it Succeeds not well blame not him that did it.
When someone tries their best and fails do not criticize him.

45. Being to advise or reprehend any one, consider whether it ought to be in public or in Private; presently, or at Some other time in what terms to do it & in reproving Shown no Sign of Cholar but do it with all Sweetness and Mildness.
When you give advice or criticism consider if it should be given in public or private and in any case be gentle.

48. Wherein you reprove Another be unblameable yourself; for example is more prevalent than Precepts.
If you criticize someone for doing something be sure you are not doing the same thing. Actions speak louder than words.

50. Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the desparagement of any.
Do not be quick to believe bad reports about others.

51. Associate yourself with Men of good Quality if you Esteem your own Reputation; for 'is better to be alone than in bad company.

58. Let your Conversation be without Malice or Envy, for 'is a Sign of a Tractable and Commendable Nature: And in all Causes of Passion admit reason to Govern.
Let reason govern your actions. Think man THINK!

82. Undertake not what you cannot Perform but be Careful to keep your  Promise.
Don't start what you cannot finish and keep your promises.

89. Speak not Evil of the absent for it is unjust.
Don't talk badly of others behind their backs.

110. Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.
Don't become jaded, cynical or calloused.

Wise words Mr. Washington. Thank you for that and all you did. Perhaps someday we will once again learn to be civil. Solve our problems through cooperative effort. Look for the truth rather than bend facts to fit the answer we want. Respect. Treating others as we would want to be treated.

I can dream. It could happen. If it doesn't please don't wake me.

Family

I retired in September 2009 and felt at the time it was important to keep some kind of routine. I get up every morning at six, take Lily out to do her business, grab a hot cup of coffee and read Mike Blythe's blog existinginbfe.blogspot.com. Mike makes me think about things and entertains me. I go on from there to a variety of web sites for news,views and humor. I had a plan today for what I wanted to blog about. I can't speak for Mike, and contrary to how it may appear here, the process takes a lot of thought. I write these posts a hundred times in my head before I sit down at the computer and begin to type. There are many times when I am done that I remain unsure that I got it right. I saw a video today about love and I will post the link at the end of my blog entry today. It got me thinking about family.

My current projects are scanning my grandparents pictures and papers. My maternal grandmother Harriet Beck left a series of journals which begin in about 1920 and continue until her death in January 1992. Yesterday I was working on entries from 1936. We are not talking about a woman who wrote about the great events of the day in the world. It is a woman writing about her family and community. What movie they went to see. That in November 1936 my Mom sang two songs (Me and the Mom and You Can't Pull the Wool Over My Eyes) at the Oswegatchie Fireman's Banquet. Mom was 6 years old at the time. We have never talked about it and if my Grandmother hadn't written about it I would never know. I am running across so many names in entries of people I don't know. Mom and I are going to sit down soon and she will help me fill in some of the blanks.

My paternal Grandparent John and Byrdis Sutor left literally boxes of documents and pictures. I have pictures of my Grandmother Byrdis from about age 5 on and my Grandfather John from about age 3. Letters between the two of them and between her and her parents from the late 1920's and early 1930's. Adoption played a big part in that family. My Grandmother Byrdis was adopted by George and Byrd Oyler. At some time when she was in college at Knox in Galesburg her birth mother attempted to contact her. She rebuked the effort telling her to never attempt to contact her again and that the Oylers were her parents.



This is a picture of Byrdis, George and Byrd Oyler taken in January 1934.

 

My father John G. Sutor was adopted by John and Byrdis Sutor in 1937 or there abouts. He was around 8 years old at the time. He was adopted with his sister Sally. We learned later after the deaths of John and Byrdis that my father had two other siblings. We also learned that his birth mother was still alive and had spent years looking for her four children. They were all reunited prior to my father's death in 1999.

 

 

The picture above was taken in the late 1930's. Those in the photograph from the left are front row: Sally Sutor, John G. Sutor, back row John J. Sutor, Emma Parsons Sutor (my grandfather John's mother) Byrd Oyler and George Oyler.

 

My dear wife Carol was adopted by Larry and Jackie Bybee when she was six years old.

 

This is her adoptive father Larry. He was a great guy and we often wish he had lived long enough to get to see his grandchildren. When I was in college and before we got married Carol got to meet her birth parents and every year we get together with her birth family siblings.

 

These are Carol's birth parents James and Mary Loman.

 

 

This is Carol with 6 of her 7 siblings. From the left Sissy, Robert, Carol, David, James, Linda and Roger. Carol and Robert were the only two out of the eight who were adopted. Out of the eight they were numbers 5 and 6. Robert went to a family in Ohio and Carol ended up in Galesburg. The rest of the family remained in Kentucky.

 

So that is a little about family. What is my point? Someone loved my Grandmother Byrdis, my father John and my wife Carol enough to open their hearts and their homes to a child who had no home or family at the time. Had it not been for them where would I be now? My grandmother and grandfather would not have met and adopted my father and my wife would have been living in Kentucky and we would never have met. What a strange world it is and what special things must happen to put us where we are. Is it all chance and circumstance or is their a grand hand that guides it all?  I don't know. I am just thankful that these folks saw a need and said yes.

 

Take a minute now. Come on you are already on the internet. Go watch this video. Go to youtube and enter Isaac and Amy Yes to Love. It will be the best four minutes and 23 seconds of your day.

 

 

Our adopted children Candy Mae (RIP) and Lily Lu. Miss Lily was curious as to what I was doing and got this close to the camera.









Are We Alone?

We live out in the middle of nowhere. Out where the streetlights and all the other lights in a town or city don't affect your view of the night sky. Lily and I go out a night every night. Her for that last pee before bed and me, well I just like to look up at the sky. I look up and I wonder. Are we alone? Is there any other life out there? Not just intelligent life, any life at all. You look around our world and life springs up in every possible space and some places where we think it couldn't possibly exist. We point giant dishes at the sky and scan every possible radio frequency hoping for something more than static. So far, nothing. You ask about sightings from the general public, close encounters of the third or fourth kind. Where is the definitive proof? A crashed ship? Roswell, New Mexico? Really?  1947? You really believe the government of the United States could keep that secret for over 60 years. You have more faith in our government than I do. We already know shit our government did that we shouldn't know and honestly didn't want to know. So I look up at the night sky and wonder.

This is a view from Earth of the thicker part of our galaxy. Millions of stars. Life?

The Hubble space telescope is able to see back 13 billion years. The edge of the Hubble Ultra Deep Field.

It looks like stars but this is a picture of the Hubble Ultra Deep Field. Almost every point of light in that picture is a galaxy. Millions of galaxies with billions or trillions of stars. The universe is a big place. How could we be alone?

Somewhere in that vast beauty there has to be someone. Maybe?

This is a strange planet. Knocked 23 degrees off its verticle axis by a collision during its formation we have 4 seasons. We are close enough to the sun to have liquid water. Far enough from the sun to have moderate temperatures. Small enough to have reasonable gravity. Large enough to have enough gravity to retain our atmosphere. So many little things had to go right and they all did. A chance in a billion, a trillion or more. Look at how big the universe is. It has to have happened somewhere else. Or did it?

Until we have an answer like untold generations before me, I will continue to look up at the night sky and wonder. Are we alone?

Less Housework = More Sex

A sociological study done by researchers from the Juan March Institute in Spain and the University of Washington in Seattle looked at data from 4,500 heterosexual married couples in the United States.   Husbands who do a lot of cooking, cleaning, laundry and other traditionally female housework tasks might do their marriages some good. Contrary to popular belief they are not rewarded with more sex. Guys who do traditional male tasks like lawn work, car repair, bill paying and driving get the most sex in marriage. The same is true for women who do the most traditional female housework.

Couples in which the women did ALL the traditionally female chores had sex 1.6 times more each month than couples in which men did all those jobs. The MORE cooking and cleaning a husband did the LESS sex the couple had. Women's cooking and cleaning was linked with MORE sex.

I will address one concern before I proceed and that is the 1.6 times per month. Really guys wouldn't we be satisfied with one more time a month? My reasoning is that the .6 time is really frustrating. Look you are just .1 past halfway to happy time. All that time and energy expended and no happy ending.

Overall I think the study is great news for men. The less cooking and cleaning you do the more sex you will be having. Want to fire up your sex life? Forget about those dirty dishes in the sink and get ready for more sex than you have had in years. We are talking about monthly here!

First, if you have made a habit out of helping around the house, cooking, cleaning, and doing the dishes, STOP! Are you a sissy boy? That is women's work! The sight of you performing those feminine duties is robbing you of the last vestiges of your manly allure you can still pull off with that rocking beer gut. Women want a take charge guy who will tell them what to do. Read Fifty Shades of Grey.  He wasn't cleaning the house.

Second, honey dew is a melon. If there is going to be a honey do list you should be giving it to her. Make sure that you are one of the things on her "to do" list. You hand her a list of things that need to be done around the house including a little nooky. This is you once again taking charge, being the man she fell in love with.

Third, intentionally make messes around the house for her to clean. Remember this is backed by science. The women who are doing the most traditionally female tasks around the house are having the most sex. You are simply fanning the flames or her desire. I guarantee when she sees those messes you made she will be HOT! She may yell at you but understand she is simply overwhelmed with erotic desire for you. She should find you on the couch with a beer in you hand, fingers covered in Cheetos dust, in your underwear. She will stand there smoldering like a volcano ready to explode. Prepare to be ravished!

Reward her efforts with flattering clothing. You have been creating messes for her to clean and she might be a bit tired. Maybe even taken for granted. You can let her know she is valued and you are interested. A bit of sexy clothing should do the trick. You can't go wrong with a French maid outfit. It will tell her you still find her sexy and desirable but she still has some cleaning to do. Sexy, sexy cleaning.

Be aware there is a slight chance that this scientifically back experiment might not work. It could leave her feeling resentful and disgusted by the sight of you. In that case you may end up receiving even less sexual attention than you do now, if that is even possible. If that is the case you may want to do the opposite of the above.

She's Too Smart

This is Lily Lu sometime shortly after we brought her home last July.

Isn't she little and so damn cute? When you bring a new puppy home it is kinda like Forest Gump. You know, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get. You never know with puppies either. Albert Einstein in puppy form or Forest Gump. Well intentioned but not too bright. You want them to know enough to pee and poop outside,  but not enough to open the refrigerator and help themselves to food.

Lily learned important things like the above. She loves to carry the paper from the road up to the house. She has to be on a leash or she will run off with the paper and tear it to shreds. In some cases it might be a great loss but if you look closely that is the Galesburg Register Mail. Generally it could go from the box out front into the bottom of a bird cage and I wouldn't feel bad.

Miss Lily learned the basics. Sit, shake hands, shit outside, don't pee in the house, people food tastes really good, toys are fun.

We decided that obedience school would be a good idea and allow her to socialize with other dogs. She learned to sit and stay, sit and wait, lay down and wait, lay down and stay, how to heel, and walk on a leash without pulling. She will come when she is called but only if you are in the house. Outside the hound brain takes over. The nose hits the ground and she is off following whatever it is she smells. We are still working on that one. Anyway, last Saturday she graduated from Doggie Obedience School. It was a proud moment for the entire family.

Then Sunday rolled around and we learned how much she needed to learn.

Saturday night that plaid thing on the floor and hanging out of her mouth was my bathrobe. I especially like the look on her face. Kind of says, I'm not doing anything wrong am I?

It is hers now and she is keeping it.

 Lily poses with the remains of my robe and celebrates a job well done.

For the past several months we have limited Lily to the great room in the house and the hallway. We have kept the bedroom doors shut so she doesn't go in unsupervised as we knew she liked to chew things up. Sunday morning the door was closed. The robe still got chewed. The picture below is the openers for our doors.

Lily figured out that if she stood up she could flip the lever down and the door opens. Now she goes wherever she wants. The only doors that lock are the bathroom doors. If you do not want company you must lock the door. She will join you in the shower.

This is Lily at meal preparation time. She is standing on the couch looking over the wall to see what we are fixing. Note the open pound of hamburger on the counter. She watches from that side until you turn your back. Anything she can reach on the counter will go in her mouth. Cooking kills the germs she leaves when she licks food, right?

 

 

So Lily is 9 months old and is able to sit, lay down, heel, shake hands, open doors, steal food and love us with complete abandon of reason. She is smart. I am hoping in a year or two she can start writing out checks, lick envelopes and pay the bills. Not really, just hoping she continues to love and amaze us every day. 

 

Security

I am one of those oddballs who believes you shouldn't trade freedom for security. It is sad that over 3000 people lost their lives on 9/11 to terrorist attacks. They were mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, friends, coworkers, domestic partners, police and firemen. We panicked and passed the "Patriot Act" in a misguided attempt to trade freedom for safety. We have a problem protecting our boarders and billions of dollars are being spent. An increasing amount is being spent to protect our NOTHERN boarder. We share a 4,000 mile boarder with Canada which prior to 9/11 at night was guarded by rubber cones. In 2012 we spent 18 billion dollars on boarder security. Predator B drones now patrol our boarder with Canada. We have erected surveillance towers with night visions cameras and radar in Michigan and New York. The United States Supreme Court has deemed that up to 100 miles from any external U.S. boarder is a reasonable distance to engage in boarder security. This can and does include warrant less searches and questions about citizenship status. If you include our northern and southern boarders and coastal areas in this zone it contains 200 million of our population. We are protecting ourselves from Canadians. You know how dangerous they are. All you have to do is watch their hockey games. White guys skating around with sticks beating the hell out of  each other and a black puck. Sounds racist and dangerous to me. Why is the puck black? It could be any color except maybe white. White would be tough to see on ice unless it was that black ice I keep hearing about on the highways. Black ice sounds like a bad idea, hear it causes lots of accidents. I do think the Canadians are planning an invasion. Since I started reading about this I have been listening to people talk. You know Canadians say "Eh!" All the time. I've been hearing that lots. Someone says something, the other person goes, "Eh" and the first person repeats the statement again only louder. It has to be some kind of Canadian code I haven't been able to break yet. Mark my words, those Canadian bastards are up to something. Some of them even speak French. I don't know about you but that sounds like a foreign language to me. French Canadians! What the fuck is the world coming to? I guess I was wrong. We must spend billions of dollars and surrender some of our freedoms to protect ourselves from those racist, hockey playing, Eh saying, French speaking Canadian bastards. Grab you assault rifles and high capacity magazines and prepare to defend Miss America from these cunnilingus performing, hockey stick weilding, perverts. We need our weapons to keep her pure so don't try to take our guns.

Random thoughts

Today will just be about things that have caused me to pause and think.

Declawing. It happens to cats all the time. We have a cat. Her name is Snickers and she claws the woodwork and Lily every chance she gets. She lives in the basement now because Lily owns the upstairs. Why aren't dogs declawed? I am redoing the upstairs woodwork and Lily is stretching the doors up trying to figure out how they open. Declawing would stop that. I don't want to do that to her and have never heard of anyone doing that to a dog.

News and famous people. Why is anything Brittany Spears does news? She is considering doing a Las Vegas show. Who gives a shit? Prince Harry says or does something stupid. Who cares. I don't live in Great Britain. If he woke up tomorrow and was literally covered in hair that would be news. Hairy Prince Harry?

Boy Scouts considering allowing gay scouts. Will there be new merit badges? Interior decorating? Fashion design? Again why does anyone care?

A second grader in Colorado was suspended for throwing an imaginary hand grenade during recess in an attempt to "rescue the world". Maybe the school should give him a pretend suspension. Isn't this the kind of bullshit you would expect from California. So kids, use your imagination but not in a way anyone real or imaginary could be harmed. Part of my youth was spent with cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers or playing army. No G.I. Joes for us. They marketed him as an action figure but we all knew he was a doll. If you played with G.I. Joe you couldn't be in the Boy Scouts.

No Saturday mail delivery. I'm good with that. I have converted more and more of my bills to email and do more online bill pay each year. If I have any regrets it is that I have letters my Grandmother wrote home to her parents when she was a student at Knox during the 1930's. We will not leave that written record for future generations. We read and discard our emails like useless electrons.

Monopoly, the one board game we all played in our childhood changed game pieces. They dumped the iron, apparently unneeded in our permanent press world. Replaced by a cat. What a pussy move that was. It must have been a coordinated effort by the Crazy Cat Lady Union of America.

Twitter launched a new video service called Vine. You can post videos that are up to six seconds long. Now, to be honest, I do not have a twitter account. I have never tweeted or twitted or  whatever the hell it is you do on Twitter. The news is that within hours of opening there were pornographic videos on Vine. First, why is that a surprise to  anyone? Second, who is sitting around going, "Wow, I've got six seconds to spare, think I will watch some porn."  Six seconds, women everywhere will be disappointed if that trend catches on. It will be, are you ready, oh baby, and was that good for you. Less time than it took to type that.

Hallucination

I have spent time the last few days putting Minwax Polycrylic on the walls in our house. The walls were stained before we moved in but I didn't have time to seal the walls. Since we live in a log home and all the interior and exterior walls are wood it seemed like it should be done. We have lived here eight years so it must be time. The good thing about Polycrylic is that it is water based and therefore not flammable. So good to use in the house when it is too cold to open the windows. The bad thing about Polycrylic is that it has really strong fumes  and the recommendation is to use it with adequate ventilation. The first two rooms I completed were the bathrooms. Not bad, small rooms, only took a couple of hours. Today I did one of the bedrooms. Took most of the day in a room with the door and windows closed. The fumes were a real headache. So this blog will be short. My advice, read the label. It says adequate ventilation for a reason. Right now everything I eat tastes like it was simmered in Polycrylic. I still have one wall to do in that room and two more bedrooms to coat. I will be back in there tomorrow with the door and windows closed. Why? Rules are made to be broken and I am a FUCKTARD!

BMI

It is just a fact of my life. I have always been fat, chubby. full figured, husky, extra large (not where you hope ladies) or in medical terms obese. Sure from time to time I lose weight and get smaller. The weight I lose always seems to find me again. Why doesn't money work that way? I have lost money in the past and it never seems to find its way back into my pockets. It would seem to me that would not be a difficult task. Don't extra large pants have extra large pockets. It would seem to me that if those fine folks at Levi put the same size pockets on 30 inch waist pants as they do on 42 inch waist pants the pockets would look a bit silly. Absent any scientific data or in store comparisons I declare this to be fact. Big pants have big pockets. I could therefore now be a Republican congressman or senator. They seem to get to make up their own facts. But I veer off course. Back to fat me, big pockets and lost money. Perhaps the money cannot get into my big pockets because my fatness has made the pockets too tight? Doesn't sound right. I can get my hand in my pocket and it is bigger than my money.You have to be able to get your hands in your pockets if you are a guy. How else are you going to scratch your balls in a crowded room? Society frowns on you sticking your hand down the front of your pants and having a good scratch fest. God forbid you are anywhere near a bush in a park. Likely to see a visit from the police if you scratch then. Damn, off the subject again. Back to the chart above.  First I am not much into charts because there are always multiple interpretations. I think for the chart above you are supposed to find your height and then your weight and it will tell you if you are underweight, normal, overweight or a fat bastard. I prefer an alternate reading. First find your weight. After all isn't that the thing you are worried about? Once you have found your weight look to see how tall you should be. I weigh just over 250 pounds. In order to be in the normal weight range I should be 7 feet tall. I am therefore not overweight, I am in fact short. It is now my goal to become taller. When I get to 7 feet my doctor and I will agree that my weight is normal. So if you are a few pounds over your ideal weight take some time to work on your height. This is today's public service announcement. I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Lily Lu

Lily has been attending dog obedience classes or as she refers to them owner training. She is teaching us how to walk with her, allow us to have her sit or lay down near us when she stops walking. She knows what wait and stay mean. So we are able to do both when she gives us those nonverbal signals.   We tried having her sleep in bed with us but I like things like covers on me and more than a six inch slice of the bed to lay on. Treats- well snausages just don't make the cut. She just smells them and walks off. If it comes from Milo's Kitchen she will do anything for a snack. Since I am being trained I have also learned that if there is no treat offered there are things she won't do. She sleeps in her kennel at night but if there is no treat to entice her into the kennel then she dives under the bed and hides. I know she understands how tough it is for a fat old man to get on the floor and that I don't fit under the bed. She moves just enough to stay frustratingly out of reach. While she barks! Sounds to me like she is saying: "Get off the floor and get me that Milo's treat you fat stupid bastard!" So, in compliance with my training I go to the kitchen and get a treat for her. She goes directly into the kennel, sits down and waits for her special delivery.

That is Lily Lu doing one of the things she does best. Sleeping on the couch dreaming about catching some critter in the yard. We have been considering getting her a doggy friend to play with to keep her active.

This is my worker buddy Nate. He and Lily Lu agree that Beggin Strips are an awesome snack. Nate likes dog treats but we do feed him people food for his lunch and snacks. He just sneaks a dog treat now and then. He does not agree with Lily Lu about about Milo's Kitchen chicken meatballs. Nate thought they were nasty and Lily Lu really didn't want to share.

In closing Lily Lu will never be able to completely train me. Carol doesn't mind if I pee in the yard but dropping a deuce out there would never be acceptable. Neither is a problem today. The current outdoor temperature is 6 degrees F with a wind chill of at least -20 degrees F. If my daddy parts shrank any more due to the cold they would be inside my body. It is tough to get one inch of dick outside of three inches of clothes. It is also embarrassing to stand out there with your zipper down fishing around in you drawers trying to find your junk. Not a problem for Mike in Florida where the weather is warm but the neighborhood is crowded. I would still find Mr. Happy more than a little shy under those circumstances.